Gray . . .

Y’all, my hair. I don’t know what to do with my hair.

For a few years, I’ve had this little white-gray streak right at the top of my hairline (think Stacy London from "What Not To Wear", but much less pronounced). It hasn’t been very noticeable because of the way my hair naturally falls. But I wish I could make it more noticeable. It’s . . . I don’t know. A little unique and sassy. I like it actually.

The color on the rest of my head, however, has been managed with chemicals for years – and that’s a problem now. See, one of the consequences of my daughters moving out is that I have nobody in the house to apply the Clairol Nice & Easy #7 Dark Blonde Root Touch-Up, which means I have gradually been getting grayer over the last six months.

So, I’ve considered whether I should give up and just embrace the new look. My main hang-up has always been The Line – you know, that obvious and unattractive boundary that gradually descends down one’s head and separates the half that was colored from the half that was not. This is NOT a look I am willing to embrace.

Since I’ve been in SA, whenever I’d get my hair cut, my hairdresser and I would notice The Line half an inch or so from my scalp, and I’d be reminded it was time to get out the Clairol again. But weirdly enough, there was no Line at my August appointment. “Wow,” she joked, “the kids move out, and you stop going gray!” Would it were that simple.

Because while there’s no dramatic stripe of shame around my head (yay for that), the gray is still there. It’s a bit more subtle, more like highlights. At least that’s what friends have told me in the last month or so when I finally returned to society after recovery from surgery and asked a few trusted ones their opinion of my new hair. I figured after not seeing me for a few weeks, a sudden change might be more obvious, and I want to be aware of what people are thinking when they look at me. If my friends are being honest (and I guess I assume they are), the change isn’t that obvious.

Nevertheless, it jolts me every time I look in my bathroom mirror anymore. No, don’t blame the lighting – that’s a different color on your head. An older woman’s color. You look older.

Well, I AM older. But I still don’t know how I feel about looking it.

Is this a woman thing? Do men go through this at this age? I think most men my age are graying (if they still have hair at all), and nobody thinks anything of it. We don’t notice; we don’t sit around saying, “Ooh, dude’s gettin’ up there, ain't he?” I don’t know of many men in their mid-fifties who are bothered by this inevitable step in the aging process -- at least they don't talk about it. But I know plenty of women even significantly older than me who are still making regular use of chemicals to defy nature. Going gray naturally . . . it’s just not what we ladies do.

I don’t like that I'm so preoccupied with the color of my hair. Am I really so vain? This should not be a big deal. It should NOT! Gray hair is normal. Gray hair can be attractive. If somebody out there thinks less of me because my hair is a different color, I can tell them where to go.

Unfortunately, it’s a little harder to tell myself where to go . . . 

There’s kind of been a new me emerging in the last few years. A stronger me, a more competent-feeling me. A me who knows herself better. A more peaceful and happier me.

Soooo  . . maybe this new me has subtle gray highlights? Surely confident, happy me can learn to live with that. Right?