Loving Lars

On spring break last week, I watched this movie called Lars and the Real Girl. And I’ve been trying to decide if I liked it or not.

Ryan Gosling plays Lars, a mentally ill man who buys a life-sized doll and believes she is his girlfriend. Yeah, it’s a bit disturbing – but it’s also pretty funny. It’s kind of remarkable how you can be so sad for this troubled man and still giggle so much at the situation.

But what fascinates me most is the way his people embrace him through this. I mean, the whole town. The psychologist recommends to his family that they go along with the delusion for now; there is apparently a reason “Bianca” has shown up in Lars’ life, and they need to patiently wait for him to resolve that. So everyone – all of his friends, co-workers, neighbors, people at church – everyone pretends that Bianca is real and makes her a part of their community. They invite her to parties, get her involved in volunteer work . . . there’s even (spoiler alert) a funeral for her when Lars moves past his trauma and decides she has passed away.

It’s downright bizarre. And profoundly touching at the same time. Which is why I’m trying to decide if I like the movie or not.

Admittedly, I question the psychologist’s advice . . . although I feel I should elaborate on how it plays out. She does give Lars therapy for his mental illness, and she adeptly does so without him really being aware that this is what’s happening. But still, as a general rule, I doubt that the best way to help a delusional person is to go along with their delusions.

Nevertheless, as I said, I did find it profoundly touching how the whole town knows this man is off his rocker, but rather than make fun of him or avoid him or castigate him, they smile and love him, even with his plastic girlfriend. They don’t understand what is going on in his head, but they decide they don’t need to understand. They want to do what's best for him. They do what they need to do to help him feel loved and safe, with or without Bianca.

Oddly, it made me think of one of the best qualities my ex-husband showed with our daughters. When they were young, they had TV shows and activities and characters and such that they were absolutely nutso about which he had no personal interest in whatsoever. But he made a point of learning about these things so he could talk about them and share the experiences with the girls. There was a clear message communicated to them: whether I get it or not, if it’s important to you, it’s important to me because you are important to me.

Contrast this with my own dad who saw me perform in about seven years’ worth of Nutcracker performances and never bothered to figure out the storyline, much less pay attention to anything about ballet. Yes, I do know he loved me, but I can't say I always felt loved or important to him. My daughters don't have that problem, and I'm grateful.

I don’t know exactly why that comparison came to my mind. I think because . . . well, just because you don’t understand or agree with somebody’s thinking or feeling or point of view doesn’t mean you should disregard it altogether. It’s more important to love than to agree. It’s more important to be kind than to be right.

And that’s why I think I’ve decided I like the movie. They don’t try to fix him; they just love him. Or rather, they believe that loving him is the first step toward fixing him.

I hesitated a bit to talk about the movie here because I know there’s potential for people to go off into all sorts of controversial topics that could be put into the category of “delusional”. I really, really don’t want to go there. I’m not qualified to declare what is mental illness and what is not OR to prescribe a treatment for any such disorders. But this I think is clear: if you think somebody is delusional – either in the Lars fashion or in another – they deserve your compassion, not your contempt. It’s more important to be kind than to be right. It is terribly sad that this is NOT what American Christianity is known for.

Especially when love is specifically and explicitly what Jesus said we should be known for.