LISTEN

One of my sweet middle school students turned in an assignment a few weeks ago that was totally whack. She’s a doll. I love her. But I have no idea what she thought she was doing here.

I pulled her aside to ask her about it. “Look at the directions. Can you read that to me?” And she did. “Do you know what that means?” I asked.

“Yes, ma’am,” she smiled.

“So, do you know what you did wrong?”

 “Yes, ma’am,” she smiled, taking the paper; “I’ll fix it.”

But I wasn’t so sure. “Tell me what you're going to fix,” I asked. She told me . . . and was completely wrong. So, I explained the instructions again. Oh . . . she quickly smiled with apparent understanding. “You get it now?”

“Yes, ma’am. Thank you!” she smiled.

My instincts made me ask one more time. “So, what are you going to change?” And she explained . . . and was again completely wrong.

Bless her heart. She’s such a darling. She wants to please. But she doesn’t listen.

I think she thought she was listening. She was looking at me and smiling. The words I spoke went into her ears and the presence of sound registered in her brain. I think she picked up on the emotional vibes – that I care about her, that I’m trying to help her to do better – and she appreciated these things.

But the actual meaning behind the words? That did NOT click.

She's not the only student in my teaching history to give me the Smiley-Listen. It’s a challenging habit to break because they’re so smiley and so eager to please and they look like they’re doing the right thing and they personally feel like they’re doing the right thing. They’re intaking the noise I’m making and demonstrating their intent to comply with my desires.

You witness this behavior occasionally in adults, as well. But the more common grown-up counterpart these days is the Growly-Listen. This person is convinced they disagree with you and will never agree with you, so they think they are listening to what you are telling them . . . but their ears are simply registering your sound waves. Their brain is not engaging to actually make sense of the ideas you are trying to communicate. This happens most often these days in social media; there, it's more about eye noise than ear noise.

But the principle is the same. Shake your head in disgust and move on – without ever having activated the mind enough to actually comprehend what is being said.

Sometimes, I think we justify this behavior because it's their fault. Egad! What are they trying to say? They're doing a terrible job of communicating! And maybe they are. But communication is a two-way street, people.

I’ve started something new in my classes: when a student gives a wrong answer, I get excited. “No . . . but I’m SO glad you said that! Thank you for saying that out loud! Now I understand where the confusion is and can clarify it – I didn’t know before now. Thank you!” Sometimes I even have the other students applaud them for their brave contribution to the class moving forward in their scholarship.

Because sometimes we need feedback to correct our communication. We think what we’re saying should be abundantly clear because it’s abundantly clear to us; only when another brain is trying to make sense of it do the gaps become apparent – gaps in our communication, but sometimes, if we’re honest, gaps in our reasoning, too.

Y’all, our public conversation is so gap-ridden right now. We have so many sides being taken on so many issues and so much amazement that anyone could possibly disagree with us. We simply must put an end to the Growly-Listen . . . and the Smiley-Listen. We must genuinely LISTEN. We must return to the primary purpose of listening which is to UNDERSTAND. We must ask questions . . . restate what we hear . . . ask for clarification . . . we must strive to comprehend the reasons and emotions behind another’s opinions and actions.

This is a middle school skill, people. We need to grow up.