Hair . . . Yes, Still

A little while ago, I wrote a post about letting my hair grow gray that got lots of reaction. I apparently hit a nerve there with a lot of my female friends.

I’m still going au natural on the top of my head. And I’m getting used to it – I might even venture to say I’m starting to like the new look. But here’s something I’m not liking about myself now: I am suddenly paying a ridiculous amount of attention to other women’s hair. I’m stalking to see whose hair is colored (by my best guess) and whose is not. Who’s letting the gray happen and how is it happening on their heads compared to my own. Who still has a thick head of hair and whose is thinning out like I fear mine will soon – and how are they styling that thinner hair?

Here's another one: who my age still has hair to their shoulders, and how does it look? When I was little, I noticed that almost every “mature” woman I knew had short hair, and I thought I would be terribly sad when I reached the age that I had to cut my hair short to look right.

Seriously, y’all – I haven’t been this focused on hair since I was fourteen and trying desperately to figure out the “feathering” thing. Yeesh.

When I started attending Bible Study Fellowship here in San Antonio, I really enjoyed our teaching leader. She was a gifted speaker and teacher; forty-five minutes of listening to her expound on the scripture we just studied was a genuine pleasure. But I often found myself during those forty-five minutes getting distracted by . . . her clothes. Because she had an adorable wardrobe – I mean, perfect for her age, her body type, her personality, the setting . . . she looked fantastic all the time.

And y’all, I am NOT into clothes! I wasn’t sure why I was paying so much attention to what she was wearing every week. Eventually it dawned on me: I was going back to work and needed to dress professionally. And I had no idea how to do that with my new middle-aged, heavier, alien-to-me body. I was insecure about my physique . . . which made me insecure about how I dressed . . . so I looked around me for role models.

Just like I’m insecure now about my hair . . . so I look to see what everyone else is doing with theirs.

Again: is this a woman thing? Do men do this? They probably do to some extent – maybe they just don’t talk about it? But I do think society sets women up to be particularly attuned to what they are “supposed to” look like and how far they are from that ideal. It’s the World’s fault. Right?

In their book Captivating, John and Stasi Eldredge list three things that they say every woman deep in her heart longs for: “to be romanced, to play an irreplaceable role in a great adventure, and to unveil beauty.” They elaborate on those a lot – it’s not quite as condescending and "patriarchal" as it sounds. But they did make me wonder if society is actually to blame here. Maybe our sinfulness just warped God’s original intention for how he made women.

Either way, I had to admit: their description fits me to a T. I'm way too much like the woman they describe: "fueled by her longing to be delighted in, her longing to be beautiful, to be irreplaceable . . . yearning to be seen, and to be thought of as captivating.”

I can’t say I like this about myself. I like to think I have grown beyond such pettiness now. But if I’m totally honest, then yes . . .  I ache for this. Always have, ever since I was the scrawny, awkward little girl staring at myself in the mirror, like in Rockwell's work above.

But here’s the thing: IF the Eldredges are right that God created us women with this longing, then he doesn’t intend for that longing to be filled by a man or by society or by anything in this world. All our longings are meant to be filled by him. Every gaping chasm in our hearts has a distinct God shape.

Oh, sisters . . . may we all feel to the depths of our souls how much God is captivated by us. And that his admiration is truly enough.