No BHAGs

Audacious (adj.): willing to take bold risks

This is one of my middle schoolers’ vocabulary words this quarter, and they had an assignment yesterday to discuss with one of their parents an audacious goal they want to set for themselves for the end of 2022. I was kind of proud of that assignment – forcing them to use the new word in the context of their own real lives and to have a meaningful conversation with a parent. Win-win.

But then I realized that I shouldn’t ask my students to do something I’m not willing or able to do myself. Sigh . . .

I don’t remember who coined the term “BHAG” (Big, Hairy, Audacious Goal), but it’s a term I like. I mean, I like it because I like words and I like audacity and, in a theoretical sense, I like the idea behind a BHAG. I just have a hard time coming up with one for myself.

The major changes in my life in the last couple years (single again, kids out of the house) have prompted people to ask me what I’m going to do with myself now. And that’s a good question. What are my goals? What are my plans? I mean, I am a Planner by nature – I do not do the go-with-the-flow thing well. I have to-do lists for my day, my week, my month, the school year. I like to know what I’m doing, and I generally know exactly what I’m doing . . . in the near future, at least.

But the big picture? The grand scheme of things in my life? Not a clue.

I’m reading a Jen Hatmaker book right now – a journal, really. A rah-rah, God loves you girl, grab life by the neck and take ‘er down kind of book. And I can appreciate that for what it is. She’s encouraging her lady readers (because you know they’re all ladies reading this book) to seek out God and seek out healing in their lives, and it’s gratifying to realize that much of the healing she is urging them to seek out, I have already found. God is good, friends.

And then I got to the “Dreams” section.

What are your dreams, sister? Those dreams that you gave up on long ago . . . the desires that life and the broken people around you pounded out of your heart? That ache in your soul that you try to ignore and won’t go away? What are the dreams God has given you for your life that you need to start pursuing?

Um . . . I dunno, Jen.

Is that a problem?

I don’t know if I have dreams. Or had them. If I did, I don’t know what they were exactly. I mean, I dreamed when I was ten of being a ballerina, but I think we’ve moved past that kind of stuff now. I spent the last three decades of my life being Good Wife and Good Mother, and that required being very tied to the here and now – laundry and meals and schedules and the TV rules and . . . you know. Daily survival. Homeschooling added to that load. So did moving to another state every few years.

It occurred to me in recent times that I don’t really have goals for the rest of my life. Setting my own goals never felt like an option. I've been in a life situation where my goals were handed to me. And Lord knows, I certainly didn’t think of myself as “bold”.

But here’s the thing: I suspect that worked out well for me in a way. Because if I had sat down and thought of my own BHAGs for the rest of my life, I’d have been focusing on those and would have totally missed the things God had for me to do during that time.  And those were good things – GREAT things. Small, quotidian, but weighty things . . . along with a few bold, risky, audacious things I would never have dreamed up on my own.

I’m not really concerned with big picture goals for my life. God has my BHAGs . . . which he seems to share with me on an as needed basis.

Am I right about all this? Is it okay that I don’t have big dreams for my future? Or am I cheating myself somehow? I suspect Jen would gently suggest the latter. That’s okay – you do you, girlfriend. Dream your audacious dreams. I’m here with God learning to go with the flow.