Awake Again

Last week while my daughters were home for Thanksgiving, I had one magnificent night of the best sleep I’ve had in MONTHS. And people . . . it was downright glorious.

For one night.

I’ve mentioned my sleep issues before. They are significant and long-standing. I don’t want to take the time and space to describe the history in detail here. I do have pills – prescription and otherwise – that I make use of at times (although I’m reluctant to overuse them after having been quite addicted to Ambien at one point). More importantly, I have solid routines and strategies in place to try to combat the problem.

For example, I have all sorts of things memorized that I use to try to divert my brain from thoughts that keep me awake. Lots of scripture, but also just a whole bunch of lists. The states and their capitals. Countries in the world – by continent and in alphabetical order. Books of the Bible – in canonical and alphabetical order. The presidents – in chronological and alphabetical order (by first and last name . . . oh, and by party). Even the periodical table of elements – by atomic number or alphabetically.

Not bragging here. Don’t be impressed. I’m just telling you – serious, long-standing sleep issues.

What’s frustrating is that I thought this was improving. For about a year there, I could turn on my meditation app for the daily sleep story and doze off before it was over. I wasn’t waking up as often in the middle of the night – and when I did, I zonked out again relatively quickly. Not so now. (Mainly since they took out my uterus – might that be a factor? Hmm.)

I cannot tell you how wonderful it was to have one really good night’s sleep last week. And how much I would love to have more.

There were times in the past (particularly when my girls were young) that I would lie awake in bed and cry because I was so frickin’ tired. Or I would rage at God because what the heck, Lord?!?? You know better than anybody that my body needs sleep!! You made this brain with the need to shut down on a regular basis. So shut it down!!

I’m not raging or crying anymore. And part of that is because I’m functioning better in my deprivation than I used to. After one of my many sleep studies many years ago, a neurologist told me, “You know there are states that have laws against driving in the mental state you live in every day.” I often wondered how much better a wife and mother I would have been if I wasn’t fighting the impatience and inattentiveness that come with that mental state.

But I have been getting by pretty well these days on my sketchy few hours of shut-eye. I do yawn an awful lot. I occasionally find myself a bit less patient with students than I’d like to be. And I end up napping most Sunday afternoons when I’m letting myself just sit and read and relax. But other than that, I’m doing okay. I just wonder how much better I’d be doing with some decent slumber.

But here’s the thing: I’m well aware of the fact that the only reason I’m getting by at all is because God is getting me by. The only reason I’m as patient as I am with other humans is because the Spirit is giving me patience. The only reason I’m able to reason and think as sharply as I do is because the Lord is focusing my brain when it needs to focus. The only reason I’m not wrecking my pretty blue Rogue on a regular basis is because Jesus is putting his angels around me when I drive.

Without sleep, I am absolutely dependent on God to survive. And suspect that’s precisely where he wants me.

But still. A solid seven or eight hours – please, Father? It would be lovely.