No Resets, Thank You Very Much

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During announcements in online church yesterday, one of the pastors started talking about how it would be nice to be able to hit a “reset” button on your life and go back. And I did a little internal “mm-hmm”, as is my default when someone says something that sounds like it should be right.

Then I actually thought about that statement.

What if I did have a reset button? When exactly would it reset to?

I think he was referring to starting over before the pandemic. But that’s not where I would want to start again. My life was already a hot mess a year ago. Gotta go back further than that.

Before San Antonio? Before Sioux City? Before kids? Before marriage? Nope, nope, no, and oh heavens no. The more I thought about it, I really could not figure out a period in my life that I could label as The Time When Things Were So Much Better Than Now. Life has always been hard. Not always the way it is hard now, but hard in its own unique way that makes me glad to not be there anymore.

Now, before everyone starts to feel sorry for me or think they need to get me to a therapist, I should clarify that I don’t know that my life has been that much harder than most people’s. I've certainly had LOTS of wonderful times. God has been very good to me. And yeah, I’ve also had some serious ugliness and serious pain, but most of us have. People who have heard my story have said to me, “I just can’t imagine going through what you’ve gone through” . . . well, I can’t imagine going through the things they’ve gone through. There’s an old story about a village where everyone was told to bring their trials of life and deposit them in the town square. Then people could look over the pile and exchange what they put there for different problems that looked easier. In the end, everyone ended up taking home the pain they brung.

I’ve had a lot of occasion in recent years to look back on my life and seriously examine things. Over spring break last week, I took the time to read through a lot of posts on my old blog. And I came to a surprising realization: things are good for me today. Not perfect . . . not without struggle or hurts or desires or needs . . . but GOOD. I am strong right now – stronger, in almost every way, than I remember ever feeling before. And that’s not because I’ve become more independent; it’s actually because I’ve learned healthy DEpendence. Dependence on friends and dependence on God.

And you know what else? It was the serious ugliness and serious pain that got me here. Which shouldn’t be news to anyone. The good news is that I like it here – I like the self that is here in this place on this day.

That’s it. That’s the kicker: I like ME now. I don’t want to be anyone else – certainly not anyone I was at any other stage in my life. I could possibly even entertain the thought that it was worth it all. (I’m almost afraid to write that . . . I don’t want to imply that I’m asking for more crap to start raining down on me . . .)

I heard an OLD Kathy Troccoli song the other day (don’t ever tell me God doesn’t control my playlists): “How Would I Know”. I used to really like this song, but now I can actually sing it with some conviction.

How would I know you could deliver? How would I know you could set free?

If there had never been a battle, how would I know the victory?

How would I know you would be faithful to meet all of my needs?

I appreciate the hard times – otherwise, how would I know?

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