In Defense of Marriage

At a particularly difficult time in my marriage many years ago, I was sharing my struggle with a friend (a very young, single friend, which in retrospect may not have been the wisest choice, but that’s water under an old, distant bridge now). My young, single friend turned to me and sincerely asked, “Gwen, is this really worth it? This monogamous marriage business – is it worth the work and struggle?”

I stared daggers into him for a moment and said, “This is not the day to ask me that question.”

But after I went home and pondered it a while, I was able to tell him . . . yes. Yes, it’s worth it.

And even now, I still think so.

Marriage is HARD. I think even couples who have had beautiful, loving, long-lasting relationships could testify to the difficulties they’ve gone through learning how to be a good spouse. None of this comes naturally to humans – we’re selfish little snits. “One-ness” with another human being is so very, very hard.

But it’s a good hard. If you do marriage right – and sometimes even if the marriage fails – you’re forced to mature and grow and do all sorts of things that people really should be doing anyway.

We should all learn to set our own desires aside for the sake of another’s need.

We should all tolerate small annoyances and communicate about big ones.

We should all help each other carry burdens.

We should all try to kill our own pride and selfishness.

We should all learn to be honest while still being kind.

We should all prioritize being kind over being right.

We should all focus on the things that are excellent or praiseworthy.

We should all forgive like we’ve been forgiven by God.

We should all try to love as we are loved by God.

Marriage is a training ground for becoming a healthy human. You can train elsewhere, of course, but getting married is like joining a spiritual fitness boot camp. The workouts are daily – maybe even hourly – and they are not optional. But yes, young single friend, they are worth it. And if you’re lucky, you can manage to keep some romance going through the rigors of it all and enjoy the ride. (Or maybe that’s not luck. It’s an intentional choice . . . so maybe it’s wisdom.)

A book I once read asked this question: “What if marriage is not about making you happy, but about making you holy?”

Exactly.